It has been a minute since I have written and reflected in a way that is necessary for true growth and evolution. I will start now, on the eve of my 33rd birthday.
Yup, I am 33. I made it. I am living.
I want to reflect on my title for a minute and talk to you about what it means to be 3 years rehabilitated in my thinking and feeling and in turn my physical well being.
On my 30th birthday, I asked myself this one question that I had heard another human ask himself..."What am I doing with my life?"
I was always surviving and surviving on someone else's terms. Every step of my life has been on someone else's terms, that was until I decided that on my 30th birthday I would gift myself a gift. My gift of life. I gave myself my own project of self through my non-profit called Project Human Inc., called the Rebirth and it is my own story of my journey up to that point.
If you would have told me 3 years ago that I had to be patient zero in this human project of evolution and self and I had to work in order for that gift of life to work. That I had to live in order for life to live and work. That the only way this gift I have given myself will succeed is if the human itself succeeds, I would have said you were right because I believed in every human including me. I believed I could change my own narrative of life by changing the way I thought and felt. I EXPRESSED in a form of a sketch and that was the idea of PHInc., A new way to think. Well, that part came a bit later and after some help from the greatest human and partner I have, my husband.
I knew I was greater than what I thought or felt at the time but fear was rooted so deeply.
I also want to point out that rehabilitation is not a bad word even though we may associate it to negative actions and rehabilitation being the consequence.
Rehabilitation simply means restoration. Look up the word and every definition almost begins with the restoration of something. I wanted to restore my mind, body and soul. I wanted to connect to the roots of me.
Restore to what? Rehabilitate to what? I had no conscious awareness of what it meant to be happy and live because I had never had that. Or so I thought.
I did not understand the depths of which I would have had to go to uncover the truths of my own actions in my life. I did not know the trauma I had and still am suffering. I did not know that the process of healing was the most important part than the actual end result. I had tried so many ways to heal and none of them could answer the question of why was I so afraid of myself and my success. Why was I so afraid to succeed? The other question was what am I afraid to succeed at?
I thought it was all my skills and talents. I thought it was the pressure of society and their expectations of myself and not meeting them. I felt like I was drowning in my own fear. I could not breathe. No, that was not what I was afraid of. I was afraid of myself for a reason that had nothing to do with material and talent success but with the evolutionary success. My fear was that my simple existence was not as simple as I thought.
Afraid that my fear is the greatness within me I keep denying.
The greatness of happiness and a fulfilling life. The greatness of my own breath. I was so afraid to make the action of living and I knew so deep within me that if I did not accept that my existence in this universe is so important and that my breath can give life, I would end up taking my own. I did not want to die. I wanted to live. 5 years ago, I made a decision to live a happy life and 3 years ago I made a choice to be happy in this life. There is a difference between wanting and doing. Time is necessary to educate yourself. I am on a ten year journey now. I never thought I was really on, but looking back at this life I have been in the process of rehabilitating my mind and soul for a long time. I recognized society was a drug, my family was a drug, I was the drug. Every choice, every thought and every action was me, even when the circumstance was out of my control. I had a choice to choose hope. That is how I knew how to live a happy life. Proof of hope.
There is a passage in one of my favorite books called "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews and here is what is says;
"If you are breathing, you are still alive. If you are still alive, then you are still here, physically, on this planet. If you are still here, then you have not completed what you were put on earth to do...that means your very purpose has not yet been fulfilled. If your purpose has not yet been fulfilled, then the most important part of your of life has not yet been lived. And if the most important part of your life has not yet been lived...that is my proof of hope."
My existence is proof of hope.
That was what I knew deep down and that is what we all know deep down within us. I truly believe every human is the architect of their life and they are also the laborer of their life. I have so far in 3 years been able cultivate my own self. I have been able to design this being into the human I want to be. The decision was made to live and in order to live you have to have purpose and in order to have purpose you have to have hope in humanity and have faith in the process of this creation. I am human. I have faith and hope in me.
Here is another one I am going to throw at you from this book "Whatever you focus upon, increases...". I wanted happiness. I wanted to focus on what made me happy. In order for that to happen and for me to truly live and be present I have to put the time into myself.
Time does not exist without me to you in your space on this plane of existence. Once I am gone so is my time, others move on with theirs because it is not their time spent on me. So I chose to MAKE my time count for me and my life. That choice is hard work and it is a daily battle of accountability for that choice and responsibility for those actions, however it is the most rewarding work I have yet done. The work on myself.
I have been shadowed my whole life, however I found a way to literally make myself bright enough to cast out the shadows of doubt, fear, anxiety and trauma. I am not perfect and I relapse in my mental health and emotional health, but every year it is less and less. 2 years ago after collapsing in a team members arms because the emotional trauma was so overwhelming, I was so consciously aware that I had to confront my fear of anger, sadness, pain, loss, guilt, shame, obligation, loyalty, dependency of and on others. My fear of feeling for myself. Of thinking for myself.
I started asking myself 3 questions whenever I allowed my fear to be misdirected and focused on creating negative thoughts and feelings which produced negative consequences in my life.
What am I thinking right now? I genuinely have to speak it out loud, those thoughts I have. Whatever they are, in order to begin the process of understanding myself. I have to be honest with my thought narrative.
What am I feeling right now? This is the hardest one because it fuels the thoughts, but I have to identify the thoughts that are affected by the emotion before I can focus on controlling the emotional reaction. Once I have identified the emotional cause of those thoughts I am then able to see the reality and find some grounding.
What is my physical reality right now? Whatever your physical reality is in the moment of your experience. For example, I right now this moment if this was my attack, my physical state is I am siting in a chair and typing. I am in my home safe and sound. I am here in this moment of reality. That is what is ACTUALLY happening, not felt or imagined. Please do not mistaken my imagined comment as anything less than what I am saying nor that I am saying that we are imagining the traumas and that they did not happen. What I am saying is in this moment of physical reality and existence, it is in my imagination fueled by my emotional trauma and my physical that the mind has no memory of. So yes, it is imagined. It is created. The visual of the thought and feeling is created into a solid form of manifestation of the reality if we do not check and have a conscious grasp on it.
I AM LIGHT. I have discovered I am not broken because you cannot break light.
I have created the version of a human I can be proud of. I have my own thoughts and feelings. I do not have any answers to my past life or future but what I have is this process and this surrender of self to the Creation of Life. To Breath.
I hope that my expression is connecting with one human because an impact of one human is greater than a hundred. One human can create and take life. I have chosen to be a creator in all aspects of my life. So go and create what you see for you and the greatness that is inside. You are not broken, you are shadowed. Follow your own path of light.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE PHYSICAL FORM OF SELF. MY BIRTH.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MENTAL AND SPIRITUAL STATE OF RECOGNITION, ACCEPTANCE AND UNDERSTANDING. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR EXISTENCE. IT MATTERS.
Until next time,
AH
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