I framed the title as what am I LEARNING about myself but as it turns out wording is everything. As I started writing this blog, I noticed something. I SAW something. As I was reading the question and asking myself what AM I learning about me that I didn't already know I began to see the words I chose and why it didn't make sense to me. Here is how I am going to do write it. From the perspective of learning, recognizing and acknowledging my truth and in turn my true self. The Creator of my reality that I am.
I want to share with you something I wrote when I was very lost as a human. I wrote this at a time when I made the decision to live. To allow myself to live. To breathe.
The words in this stand true today more than ever because it has come true. Every bit of that written statement has evolved the truth in me and allowed my true form to shed her cocoon, open her wings and fly. Fly as high as she can go. As close to the sun as she can reach. Yes, she will get burnt, even scorched on the way. She will also get rained and hailed on. She will fight against the winds and lightning strikes across the skies. She will also feel the rays of the sun and its beautiful warmth with the winds just right and the moment of flight perfect. Hopeful and faithful to her course. To herself. That is the way of life. That is the cycle of living. Most have one life, I have two. Two stories and two worlds separated by oceans a result of consequences based solely on human action and reaction which left me surviving and fighting for my whole life.
There is a piece of me that is so aware of the knowledge that my truth was accepted at such a young age. That piece that always defied the odds because of her trust in her. That was also only a small piece, against the whole world. It was that small piece of knowledge that kept me going and brought me here. I knew I was meant to survive, live and that my existence was more than what the reality offered. So my two lives forced me to hear my True self and forced me to choose. Surviving in the past, especially a blank past, hoping to fill in the gaps, or fighting for my future which felt dependent on the past. There was no choice but death... and yet despite of it all, the knowledge was my will that set me free to live. Today, I live to learn the stories of the past life and self. The ancestors left behind and families forgotten. The truth is within and I have to live in this moment of life to build the bridge on which I can cross to the past. The future is unknown and no matter the predictability, it is completely unpredictable.
I have not edited the text since 2017, and I can absolutely recognize my evolution instantly. Unawareness vs awareness of my words. I accept the truth of my greatness and what I stand for. I acknowledge my existence with the acknowledgment of my true self. I am on the good side of humanity and I am a light. The solid truth in that is my confidence in my existence and the creations I leave behind. I have taken on the challenge of rebuilding my own self. The being of the moment. I can say I am so proud of how far I have come in such a short time.
THE WILL TO LIVE is so powerful as is the WILL TO DIE.
Self awareness and self evaluations are so important. as individuals we are responsible for everything that happens around us and we are the direct impact of all of it. When things are not working out and everything seems like it is going against you, maybe it's not the world against you, but your TRUE self? The self that you were so afraid of before because it felt too good to be true ? The fear that if you do not continue to conform and play out a role that has been laid before you before you were even born, that everything and everyone will be against you? What about the fear of your TRUE self turning against you? You loathe going to work, despise interactions with people and feel unworthy of anything or anyone. That is called depression, and depression is a mental illness that affects millions and millions of people everyday.
But what if you look deep down to your subconscious, let's even go deeper than that. To that feeling inside you can almost taste, feel, hear, see... even smell. that feeling of complete abandonment, excitement, happiness, love no matter what energy surrounds you. That feeling you feel deep in your heart, at the bottom. You can literally feel the bottom of your heart, that is where your true self resides. It is buried deep within you, crying out, punching, digging its way to the top and you continue to bury it down with more dirt by conforming to what this world was built on eons ago. You are born a boy or girl, you like pink or blue, boys are tough, girls are fragile. Men hunt and kill, women heal and birth, men build and tear, women cook and clean, men are in charge, women follow. The lists go on and on. Every detail has been labeled and filed on who, what, where and how we are conditioned to perform. Once it has been written in paper it is as if it was written in stone... final word. As we have seen everything can change and be rebuilt. Civilizations have been rebuilt from cavemen to millennial, the world's architecture from caves to the tallest buildings in the world, from walking to flying. Anything can be rebuilt. So the questions then is why can't we rebuild ourselves as individuals? Don't get me wrong, files and labels have helped so much in the progress of our civilization and have saved millions of lives, however it has also destroyed the fundamentals of who we are as individuals. We are so aware of our differences that we have lost the ability to see the similarities beginning with the biggest one… we are all the same being. Human being. Nothing past this point matters. We have good beings and we have bad beings. Everything must balance. To the Truest of selves nothing else will matter, but the fact that you are flesh and blood just as they are. When Doubt and Fear creep in that is when the differences become apparent and important. We are of course only human, it is engraved in us to see the differences and acknowledge them. Our True self will acknowledge them and let them be. The False self will take those differences and use them against you because they fear those differences. They fear you will outperform them in this world, you are prettier than them, more importantly that you are a better human being than them. The most successful people are the ones that know and have allowed their True self to perform with no reservation. Accepting what and who we are and loving that person is when you will see the riches of this life. I know there are 7 billion and counting people in the world and I do not need to know their opinions or thoughts on what I am, who I am and how I live my life. I am intrigued to learn about them and their way of life, to study the humans and to take what sparks that True self and make it better, grow it, nurture it. There will be no change in the world, until we as individuals take a stand to look inside ourselves and allow ourselves to love ourselves. Love that True self, even if it is loud, obnoxious, can't stop talking, is over the top and honestly does not give a single fuck about the opinions of that True self. This does not make one a bad person, just an annoying one, but that is just an opinion and feeling of someone's self that is not allowed to be that annoying. The actions of True self will be seen and apparent because they will not judge you for being annoying they will join in, they will not condemn you for believing whatever you believe, they will learn more about it and understand it, and they will never tell you how you should live your life and with whom, they will love the love you have and will share the laughs you share. They will enjoy your happiness with you because they are happy with themselves. They do not need to take your happiness away to feel triumphant in anyway shape or form. So sit and feel that True self and when you hear that fear or doubt come in don't join them. Follow your HEART and it will lead you to where you are meant to be at exactly the time you are meant to be at!
I ALREADY KNEW that. I KNEW it. I didn't SEE it. I didn't want to accept that with the trust in me and my solid values of truth which would allow me the greatest wants in my life. The happiness and love I seek. It was there all along. I have always followed my heart and the proof is here in my writing to you now. I am exactly where I am suppose to be at this exact moment of 3:27 PM living my truth and accepting my existence with full confidence to be here. To breathe.